Skip to content

Published in: Inspirations

Suicide

By simone

Because some of us are born that way. No matter how beautiful is our life, we still have that void. Yes, It doesn't  matter the amount of money we have in our bank account or the amazing places we've seen. It's a void you, a pain that comes once in a while and you don't get the whys. You can be in the best hotel having the time of your life and that feeling hits you. No! personnally i've never thought of taking my life, but only to sleep for days and wake up days after. I have it since childhood and still i can say i had the best childhood,- love, grew up in a residential area, popular friends along with parties, played tennis, access to a private beach club, cinema, had all the basic needs and even some priviledge as i never had to walk by foot to go to school, had money for the school cantine- but i could feel the emptiness( tears are shedding down my tears as i write this) but as a child i couldn't put a name on it. It became more violent my last year of high school but still ( i used to skive off school but since i was always amongst the 1st two my parents coudn't imagine) i thought it was due to my dream to finally close the school chapter and starts Uni. My arrival in Italy for the first year was all i could ever hope for: #freedom to go clubbing, to stay out till dawn if i wanted, to fuck ( i lost my virginity at 19) to do whatever i wanted.I was adult and on my own. But when all the newness was over i still had that feeling but i kept ignoring it. And over the years i would say to myself, when i will graduate, it will be ok, then i graduated and it was, financial stability will give me peace, once i had it, it was travelling etc... all the material stuffs, all the achievements couldn't fill the void in the contrary, it became bigger.

Then two years ago i decide to face it. It was not yet depression in the very sense of the term but if i did not acknowledge it, one day i would find myself in a sunken place. So i started meditating, define what makes me happy or sad. One of the thing that is helping me is trying to know myself, what makes me really happy regardless of what is expected from me because i realised i grew up with so much expectations( from my family and from myself) and that's fair enough because every parents wants the best for his child especially knowing the great potential he has. But what we fail to understand is we can have expectations , dreams, but sometimes life decide for us. We should stop thinking our hapiness depends from external factors. Most of the people of my generation grew up believing happiness was the income of success, that having a great career, being financially independent  was the key to happiness.  It's in us. Yes! Happiness in in us!

Some are born happy, some melancholic. The first have it easier, for the second it's a long life battle to be happy in this world. If you are in the same club, look within yourself, meditate and dont make the error the dark feeling is because you don't have this or that. It's within you.

I started healing once i made inner peace with myself, accepted who i am: my craziness, my unbothereness, my free mind. I'm an unconventional woman in classic clothes that's the truth. Once i accepted i didn't have to be the perfect daughter, mother and wife and friend i started being at peace. I am not saying the pain and the void have disappeared but i now have them under control because i've come to terms with them, accepting they are part of me. I was born that way.

s.,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *